This is not self pitying. It really isn’t. It’s my way of talking to myself, of making peace with the monsters and demons living inside of me. Because let’s be honest, they’ll never leave. And you just have to deal with it, live together with them.
The person who loves more will always be the one who hurts more. That’s what they all say. And to me it’s true. I knew I was the one who loved more. But again, giving people benefit of the doubt, not once not twice but over and over again, and naivety, trump all of that fake “skeptical and realistic” outer shell, and made me believe that I was equally loved.
It’s funny that word is even talked about. Do I really know what the hell it means? It could all be an illusion. It is an illusion, really, that’s all love is. But the fact of the matter is, I should have seen it coming. But you never will, you never will until it hits you right in the face.
That night. I was upset not because of his lack-of-thought gift that’s so typical and insincere, and I didn’t even like it that much, but because of the fact that he didn’t spare me time. When a guy doesn’t give you time, he could give you everything else in the world and it would mean absolutely shit. At that point, I should have known that it was my cue. The cusp of the twist. The end of it all is so near. But there’s a stubbornly stupid part of me that decides to forgive and forget. Oh don’t think it was me being mother Theresa. It was more just a numbing excuse to continue living in the comfortable haze that was created.
Stomach hurts like hell. My fault, for subjecting it to alcohol and fast food consumption.
Really didn’t want to break down but it seems that I’ll be an emotional alcoholic from now on. Which is beyond pathetic and frustrating.
I just don’t know why it’s so hard to hold my own. And alcohol seems to be the trigger of it all. I just want to not be so easily breakable.
But at the same time, it did make me
Feel lighter… I haven’t talked about any of it, my dad, him, for a long time now. I thought it was done, forgotten, but it’s always subconsciously eating away at the back of my head.
When will I become truly stronger. So that I’m not so easily bothered or affected by other people or things?